As discovered from one of my last posts the only man in my life is called Gym and I try and see him between 2, 3 and 4 days per week. When I do see him, I work really hard to maintain our relationship but you know what men can be like, he sometimes lets me down. Whilst my waist may be small(ish) my calves relatively toned my thighs have been left behind and now have their own postal code. It's time to have a serious word with Gym.
Exercise and me have never been a problem, it’s the food glorious food that hinders my progress. In my head I'm Kate Moss, in real life it's vastly different...
1. You've worked in the fashion industry for what feels like forever and have therefore grown up in an environment that talks of only two things, celebrities and diets. All buyer's, whatever the level, love to talk diet. It’s like working in a salad but without the dressing, croutons, potatoes, any form of cheese or mayonnaise laced product. It's lettuce and cucumber and it's as basic as the bitches you work with.
2. To counteract point 1 you grew up in a half Irish/half English household where potatoes were central to the family. It was ‘what shall we have with potatoes?’ not ‘what shall we have for sides?’ The side was the main.
3. Boiled bacon (gammon to the masses) becomes a staple in your childhood diet. It goes out with mashed potato, baked beans and brown sauce and is still a dinner you dream of.
4. As a child your parents OD'd you on Irish Stew that even the word casserole brings you out in cold sweats.
5. Carbohydrates featured so heavily at the dinner table that they felt like the extra children your Dad wanted.
6. You don't know what a carb is until you are 18 and at university. The same goes for proteins. You didn't grow up in a house that talks of food in this way. It was either Irish Stew tonight or Irish Stew tonight.
7. If you had dessert it comprised of treacle tart, spotted dick or seconds of Irish Stew. You said no to all.
8. The first time you saw a prawn that hadn't got a job as deep-fried scampi you eat whole thing including the crispy coat it lives in.
9. You watch your Dad do the same thing 10 years later.
10. You and your Dad still talk with nostalgia about Fray Bentos steak and kidney pies. Do not knock these pies until you have tried one. Flaky pastry should rule the world.
11. You love sandwiches more than you love your parents. Crisps also feature heavily in the romance of your life.
12. You and your Dad are probably the only people in the UK who still eat corned beef. I like vintage dresses and I like vintage food.
13. You also grew up eating your Mum's favourite meal of macaroni cheese, mashed potato and tinned tomato's. Double carbs, one for each thigh. Thank goodness you had your wisdom teeth out and could only eat macaroni cheese because now the thought of eating it reminds you of feeling toothless and in pain.
14. You bring all this food experience to your fashion working life and wonder why buyers don't like you. You’re the girl who brought carbs into the office. If you don’t bring a salad then don’t bring yourself.
15. Tinned foods have been the backbone of most meals throughout your life. Fray's pies, tinned tomato's, corned beef, mackerel in tomato sauce, baked beans, tinned salmon and tuna. I could carry on but tins are heavy and I don't have a strong enough bag to carry them all.
16. Like most girls I start a new diet on Monday. By 12.30 I have created my own diet plan which includes a cheese ploughman's roll and bacon flavoured wheat crunchies.
17. At 27 you take up running half marathons just so you can eat more of point 16.
18. Realise that at 34 (even after running 9 half marathons) it’s finally time for your thighs to exit stage left so you buy every magazine that’ll tell you how to get a bikini body in an hour. You’ll read in 5 minutes whilst eating a BLT.
My outfit matches my sandwich
See you at the gym.
