Thighs the limit

According to a magazine I read last weekend over 90% of women would change their bodies if they could. I 100% fit into this 90%. I buy every fitness/diet/health magazine that Sainsbury's on Upper Street can offer me. I do this in the hope that just reading the 'lose 14lbs in 2 weeks' meal plan will be enough to shred the pounds, like reading the words scrambled eggs and smoked salmon will magically jump of the page, land on my thighs and take all the extra stuffing back with it without me actually having to eat said breakfast. Eggs aren't my friend anyway (except egg and cress sandwiches).

As discovered from one of my last posts the only man in my life is called Gym and I try and see him between 2, 3 and 4 days per week. When I do see him, I work really hard to maintain our relationship but you know what men can be like, he sometimes lets me down. Whilst my waist may be small(ish) my calves relatively toned my thighs have been left behind and now have their own postal code. It's time to have a serious word with Gym.

 Exercise and me have never been a problem, it’s the food glorious food that hinders my progress. In my head I'm Kate Moss, in real life it's vastly different...


1. You've worked in the fashion industry for what feels like forever and have therefore grown up in an environment that talks of only two things, celebrities and diets. All buyer's, whatever the level, love to talk diet. It’s like working in a salad but without the dressing, croutons, potatoes, any form of cheese or mayonnaise laced product. It's lettuce and cucumber and it's as basic as the bitches you work with. 

2. To counteract point 1 you grew up in a half Irish/half English household where potatoes were central to the family. It was ‘what shall we have with potatoes?’ not ‘what shall we have for sides?’ The side was the main.

3. Boiled bacon (gammon to the masses) becomes a staple in your childhood diet. It goes out with mashed potato, baked beans and brown sauce and is still a dinner you dream of.

4. As a child your parents OD'd you on Irish Stew that even the word casserole brings you out in cold sweats.

5. Carbohydrates featured so heavily at the dinner table that they felt like the extra children your Dad wanted.

6. You don't know what a carb is until you are 18 and at university. The same goes for proteins. You didn't grow up in a house that talks of food in this way. It was either Irish Stew tonight or Irish Stew tonight.

7. If you had dessert it comprised of treacle tart, spotted dick or seconds of Irish Stew. You said no to all.

8. The first time you saw a prawn that hadn't got a job as deep-fried scampi you eat whole thing including the crispy coat it lives in.

9. You watch your Dad do the same thing 10 years later.

10. You and your Dad still talk with nostalgia about Fray Bentos steak and kidney pies. Do not knock these pies until you have tried one. Flaky pastry should rule the world.

11. You love sandwiches more than you love your parents. Crisps also feature heavily in the romance of your life.

12. You and your Dad are probably the only people in the UK who still eat corned beef. I like vintage dresses and I like vintage food.

13. You also grew up eating your Mum's favourite meal of macaroni cheese, mashed potato and tinned tomato's. Double carbs, one for each thigh. Thank goodness you had your wisdom teeth out and could only eat macaroni cheese because now the thought of eating it reminds you of feeling toothless and in pain.

14. You bring all this food experience to your fashion working life and wonder why buyers don't like you. You’re the girl who brought carbs into the office. If you don’t bring a salad then don’t bring yourself.

15. Tinned foods have been the backbone of most meals throughout your life. Fray's pies, tinned tomato's, corned beef, mackerel in tomato sauce, baked beans, tinned salmon and tuna. I could carry on but tins are heavy and I don't have a strong enough bag to carry them all.

16. Like most girls I start a new diet on Monday. By 12.30 I have created my own diet plan which includes a cheese ploughman's roll and bacon flavoured wheat crunchies.

17. At 27 you take up running half marathons just so you can eat more of point 16.

18. Realise that at 34 (even after running 9 half marathons) it’s finally time for your thighs to exit stage left so you buy every magazine that’ll tell you how to get a bikini body in an hour. You’ll read in 5 minutes whilst eating a BLT.

My outfit matches my sandwich 

See you at the gym.

Bank of Mum and Dad

The bank gets 8 holidays per year and thank goodness they let us enjoy them too. Four day working weeks are what dreams are made of. However when you are single and an only child your only source of 'social income' comes in the form of your parents. Your friends are mostly married and mostly parents so the option of Sunday night bank holiday drinking has been taken hostage by husbands and babies. So with that in mind here's how to survive a 3 day weekend when your 70 year old mother and 65 year old father are the only company you can find:

1. Book a table for dinner on Saturday night. This is because you haven't really eaten a proper dinner in at least a few days. A meal deal from Sainsbury's apparently doesn't constitute dinner. Nor does marmite on toast, a cup of soup or micro chips. Plus the lady who gave birth to you will pay.

2. When you enter any establishment that serves food or drink don’t expect to be sitting in the first seat you are shown to. Your Mum doesn’t like children or animals or people for that matter and sitting near any of these species will bring her out in hives. Screaming children in particular need not apply. You’ll find yourself sitting in at least 3 seats until the right one is found. It’s like playing a game of musical chairs that you didn’t even want to play.

3. Make sure you schedule wine into the weekend. This is a must for mother daughter survival. You’ll need a large glass to deal with point 2.

4. Prepare yourself to have to sleep on a blow up 'ready bed' on the floor whilst your Mum happily sleeps on your memory foam mattress.

5. Try to fall asleep as soon as you can so you miss listening to the Olympic snoring that comes from said mattress.

6. Try not to get too stressed when your Mum is ready a good hour and half before you need to leave the house. 6am is always the time suggested to leave even if the occasion starts at 8pm and is walking distance from your flat.

7. Never believe your Mum when she says ‘I’m only going to have one Bloody Mary today’. The women came directly from Irish parents, she’s drinking more than one.

8. When you suggest watching the FA club final in the pub you live above don’t underestimate your mother’s pulling techniques. Not one but two men will ask her to dance. You will probably be asked to leave.

9. When your Dad decides he is now ready to embrace the world of computers you will trek out to Berkshire with an old laptop to teach him the basics of Excel. He’ll think he’s Bill Gates. You’ll know he isn’t but you’ll admire his desirability to leave Victorian Berkshire to embrace a new life in the 21^st century one penny farthing at time.

10. When bank holiday Monday comes to its close you’ll feel exhaustion like you’ve never felt before. Between the musical chairs and the Excel spreadsheet listing Dad’s classical CD’s (we decided Mozart needed its own tab) you literally can’t wait for Made in Chelsea to rot your brain.

White M&S mules to kick off the week

Guess what? The next bank holiday weekend will also be owned by my family. Someone get me a husband and fast.

Expiry Dates

How to date in London when you've already dated half of London.

I'm a regular on Tinder, Happn, Bumble etc, if they were pubs I would be the old man sat at the bar. I'm so regular that at times I have forgotten I've already met Daniel, 35 on Tinder and am now arranging a date with him via Happn. He must have forgotten too or he's just being mysterious.

These are the rules I live by when dating in the capital (many of them have been born from bad experiences) read on to find out why:

1. Always remember that you are disposable. Social media dating is just what is says on the tin 'I'm social and I'm dating. When you go to the ladies he's also gone to the ladies. He's swiping or chatting whilst you're checking your face in the mirror. This is probably the most important point to live by. DO NOT FORGET THIS.
2. Do not go on a date with expectations. Expectations equal disappointment. Go with your face on, best dress and heels and see what happens. Don't expect to see him again because you probably won't (even if you have had a great time). Refer back to point 1.
3. Don't always assume that he's 100% single. His ex-girlfriend might turn up on the date. She might beg him to get back together with whilst revealing that they have two children together. He then might leave with her whilst you are still sat there speechless and a tenner down (you bought the drinks and your change wasn't monetary). You'll then tell your Mum what happened who will laugh like a drain and still does two years later when you regale the story to married folk.
4. You become single girl dating fodder like you're a jester brought in to entertain the upper class at a Victorian London society party.
5. You consider hiring a manager to get you more of the above gigs. Could be some serious money there.
6. Seriously consider taking out life insurance to protect your assets (vintage dresses and shoes need only apply) in the case that you might get eaten by cats. You don't even like cats (or any animals, except horses - they are super animals) but being single at 34 leaves you vulnerable to hungry cats.
7. Still hope that you'll meet someone the 'old fashioned way' in a bar, so much so that every single time you go out to a bar your game is on.
8. When you do meet a potential date in the aforementioned way and he asks for out for a drink don't expect it to actually happen. Refer to point 2.
9. Don't accept blind date options from friends. What your friend thinks you like is no way near what you actually like. Some people like sushi, I'm not one of those people.
10. Always look up when walking the streets of London, you're next Pinot Grigio could be bought by that hot man in a suit that just walked past you.
11. Quickly remember that this is London an no one talks any more through vocal words so you immediately get on Happn to see if he's on it too so you can communicate for exactly 5 days via text before agreeing a date to meet.
12. Then go through points 1-12 leaving out 3 (you hope and pray that never happens to you again).
13. Always, always have hope that Mr Right isn't too far away even if you do protest you love being single and it's the greatest thing ever ever ever. Honestly it's great, really great. I learnt my doth protesting from Lady Macbeth.
14. In reality you know that your perfect boyfriend is in fact called Gym and you've been in a fairly good relationship for 3 years, even if you have to pay him £53 per month.

Fingers and toes crossed people.

Here's the closest I'll be to wearing white this year...

Career Break-Up Rules

The rules to follow when you break up with your career:

1. Join an temping agency for 'temporary temping work' and then realise after 8 months that your expected temporary working plan has expired and you are now in fact a long-term temp.
2. Sign-on. This involves going into an actual real life Job Centre. Try not to cry when you are sat with your new 'Job Coach' who talks you through your allowed benefits, instead use the experience to go home and sign up to point 1.
3. Apply for any job that has a heart beat and then get over excited when you get a call from a recruitment consultant you tells you about a job that involves buying bristles for hair brushes which is approximately 40 miles from your house (still commutable if you don't mind getting 1 bus, 2 tubes and an overland train all for the same price as 1 months rent).
4. Go for a boozy lunch with your other friends who have also had a career break-up to celebrate the above point then realise half-way through your Pinot Gorgio that you've actually never wanted to buy bristles for hair brushes and travelling over an hour and half for a job that isn't worth the pittance of the salary they would offer is not actually your dream job.
5. Go back to home and watch 'Escape to The Country' or if late enough 'The Chase' after having a few pinots and eating a club sandwich and chips with said friends (you can't actually afford any of these items)
6. Skip the gym that day.
7. Hope that tomorrow you will get a call for an interview/job/temping role/Euromillions win/rich potential husband.
8. Fall asleep that evening vowing that you WILL get up at 7am for hot yoga followed by interval running training on the gym and then go to the library to apply for jobs and start writing the book you promised your Mum you would start 3 weeks ago.
9. The next morning wake up at 8am watch Good Morning Britain and Lorraine instead of going to the gym.
10. Vow to go to the lunchtime spin class.
11. Repeat numbers 1-8 (leaving out 2).
12. Remember to always wear fabulous shoes and vintage dresses (when not at the gym) like you've had a permanent job your whole life.
13. Go on holiday with your Mum.
14. Get an on-going temporary contract. Get excited about starting it. Realise that it's probably the most boring job in the whole world but have to preserver with it because the hen party to Marbella you're going on won't pay for itself.
15. Start writing again in the hope it'll earn you a triple salary career by Christmas and a town house in Islington.
16. Start imagining Kiera Knightley playing the part of me in the film version of my book.
17. Repeat number 3 over and over and over again.
18. Change careers.

The end.

P.S. It's Metallic Monday 

Plastic Fantastic

Welcome to the craziest shoes I own. You are here to witness my blue plastic gold studded sling backs from Irregular Choice and they were purchased when I was a mere teenager. They have survived many a wardrobe chuck out because really how can anyone depart with shoes of this calibre? I mean they are blue and they are plastic! Did I also mention the gold studs on the blue plastic BOW? The heel even has a tree like pattern. In short these shoes are legendary.

 

However they had been living in the loft of my Mum’s house for a number of years and only saw the light of day again when I went on that infamous ‘loft shop’ I have told you about before. I knew they were in there and I knew that I needed to decide at some point what to do with them (I even asked friends at work for advice) I got an outstanding ‘keep them’. I think it was the gold studded bow that won them over.

 

So here they now are on my size 4 feet (my feet haven’t grown since I was about 16). I’m wearing them with a powder blue mid length skirt from Miss Selfridge and a V-neck white t-shirt from Zara. My hair started its Wednesday 14^th September life down and was even straightened but by the time I boarded the number 30 bus it was up in its oh so familiar top knot. September sunshine and me just don’t mix. I don’t know about you but I don’t appreciate beads of sweat running down my nose or my back on my way to work or any way to anywhere. It’s not what I signed up for. I say yes to warm weather. I say yes to 20 – 25 degree sunshine. I say no to anything higher. Horses and Men sweat, girls do not.

 

Back to the shoes. I’m not going to tell you that the shoes are digging in and leaving red marks nor will I tell you that wearing plastic shoes on a hot day just equals sweaty feet (yuk). I’m going to ignore that both those things are happening and continue my day (obvs I’ve got flat shoes in my Lulu Guinness tote bag). How Kim K wore those see-through plastic boots the other day I do not know but I do pity those around her when those finally came off. Cue clothes pegs around noses….

 

I will wear these again one day, I might even wear them with socks (I probably won’t because I’m defiKnightley not cool enough) so it’ll be sans socks…..oohh my feet will probably lose weight…..every cloud.

Check Mate

Today's shoes are brought to you via the loft. I hadn't forgotten that I had them but I certainly had neglected them. I loved my loft shopping experience when we had to clear out the loft at my Mums house when she had sold it. These beauties (along with my long lost cuddle lamb aptly named lamby and my BFF) were by far my favourite find. 

Don't even ask me where I found them because if you did my answer would be zero to no clue. I want to say I found them whilst on a glamourous and romantic holiday with my equally handsome husband, but I would be lying to you. In reality I probably bought them in Reading with my Mum. Doesn't quite conjure the same image does it. There was no holiday and there is no husband. There is though these heels, a vintage embroidered kaftan and a glass of wine. What more do I need? Oh yes my friends to hurry the F**K up so I'm not sat in this incredibly busy bar on my ownsome!!!

Remember always wear heels because I said so and I'm sure they are good for your health?! 

Fruit salad

Wedgenesday is back. These red numbers come in black too and yes they have gaping big holes in them. I bought them at The Clothes Show when I was about 16 or 17 (can't remember that far back). I used to drag my poor mother around the NEC each year it was on. My love of the fashion industry started then. Perhaps in hindsight a day to a show that consisted of financial services and the like would have landed me a more fruitful career. My career is more like a rotten nectarine. Throw that away and find something more appealing. 

Here's to Thursday, Friday's very close friend.