Bank of Mum and Dad

The bank gets 8 holidays per year and thank goodness they let us enjoy them too. Four day working weeks are what dreams are made of. However when you are single and an only child your only source of 'social income' comes in the form of your parents. Your friends are mostly married and mostly parents so the option of Sunday night bank holiday drinking has been taken hostage by husbands and babies. So with that in mind here's how to survive a 3 day weekend when your 70 year old mother and 65 year old father are the only company you can find:

1. Book a table for dinner on Saturday night. This is because you haven't really eaten a proper dinner in at least a few days. A meal deal from Sainsbury's apparently doesn't constitute dinner. Nor does marmite on toast, a cup of soup or micro chips. Plus the lady who gave birth to you will pay.

2. When you enter any establishment that serves food or drink don’t expect to be sitting in the first seat you are shown to. Your Mum doesn’t like children or animals or people for that matter and sitting near any of these species will bring her out in hives. Screaming children in particular need not apply. You’ll find yourself sitting in at least 3 seats until the right one is found. It’s like playing a game of musical chairs that you didn’t even want to play.

3. Make sure you schedule wine into the weekend. This is a must for mother daughter survival. You’ll need a large glass to deal with point 2.

4. Prepare yourself to have to sleep on a blow up 'ready bed' on the floor whilst your Mum happily sleeps on your memory foam mattress.

5. Try to fall asleep as soon as you can so you miss listening to the Olympic snoring that comes from said mattress.

6. Try not to get too stressed when your Mum is ready a good hour and half before you need to leave the house. 6am is always the time suggested to leave even if the occasion starts at 8pm and is walking distance from your flat.

7. Never believe your Mum when she says ‘I’m only going to have one Bloody Mary today’. The women came directly from Irish parents, she’s drinking more than one.

8. When you suggest watching the FA club final in the pub you live above don’t underestimate your mother’s pulling techniques. Not one but two men will ask her to dance. You will probably be asked to leave.

9. When your Dad decides he is now ready to embrace the world of computers you will trek out to Berkshire with an old laptop to teach him the basics of Excel. He’ll think he’s Bill Gates. You’ll know he isn’t but you’ll admire his desirability to leave Victorian Berkshire to embrace a new life in the 21^st century one penny farthing at time.

10. When bank holiday Monday comes to its close you’ll feel exhaustion like you’ve never felt before. Between the musical chairs and the Excel spreadsheet listing Dad’s classical CD’s (we decided Mozart needed its own tab) you literally can’t wait for Made in Chelsea to rot your brain.

White M&S mules to kick off the week

Guess what? The next bank holiday weekend will also be owned by my family. Someone get me a husband and fast.