1. Join an temping agency for 'temporary temping work' and then realise after 8 months that your expected temporary working plan has expired and you are now in fact a long-term temp.
2. Sign-on. This involves going into an actual real life Job Centre. Try not to cry when you are sat with your new 'Job Coach' who talks you through your allowed benefits, instead use the experience to go home and sign up to point 1.
3. Apply for any job that has a heart beat and then get over excited when you get a call from a recruitment consultant you tells you about a job that involves buying bristles for hair brushes which is approximately 40 miles from your house (still commutable if you don't mind getting 1 bus, 2 tubes and an overland train all for the same price as 1 months rent).
4. Go for a boozy lunch with your other friends who have also had a career break-up to celebrate the above point then realise half-way through your Pinot Gorgio that you've actually never wanted to buy bristles for hair brushes and travelling over an hour and half for a job that isn't worth the pittance of the salary they would offer is not actually your dream job.
5. Go back to home and watch 'Escape to The Country' or if late enough 'The Chase' after having a few pinots and eating a club sandwich and chips with said friends (you can't actually afford any of these items)
6. Skip the gym that day.
7. Hope that tomorrow you will get a call for an interview/job/temping role/Euromillions win/rich potential husband.
8. Fall asleep that evening vowing that you WILL get up at 7am for hot yoga followed by interval running training on the gym and then go to the library to apply for jobs and start writing the book you promised your Mum you would start 3 weeks ago.
9. The next morning wake up at 8am watch Good Morning Britain and Lorraine instead of going to the gym.
10. Vow to go to the lunchtime spin class.
11. Repeat numbers 1-8 (leaving out 2).
12. Remember to always wear fabulous shoes and vintage dresses (when not at the gym) like you've had a permanent job your whole life.
13. Go on holiday with your Mum.
14. Get an on-going temporary contract. Get excited about starting it. Realise that it's probably the most boring job in the whole world but have to preserver with it because the hen party to Marbella you're going on won't pay for itself.
15. Start writing again in the hope it'll earn you a triple salary career by Christmas and a town house in Islington.
16. Start imagining Kiera Knightley playing the part of me in the film version of my book.
17. Repeat number 3 over and over and over again.
18. Change careers.
The end.
P.S. It's Metallic Monday
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