I'm a regular on Tinder, Happn, Bumble etc, if they were pubs I would be the old man sat at the bar. I'm so regular that at times I have forgotten I've already met Daniel, 35 on Tinder and am now arranging a date with him via Happn. He must have forgotten too or he's just being mysterious.
These are the rules I live by when dating in the capital (many of them have been born from bad experiences) read on to find out why:
1. Always remember that you are disposable. Social media dating is just what is says on the tin 'I'm social and I'm dating. When you go to the ladies he's also gone to the ladies. He's swiping or chatting whilst you're checking your face in the mirror. This is probably the most important point to live by. DO NOT FORGET THIS.
2. Do not go on a date with expectations. Expectations equal disappointment. Go with your face on, best dress and heels and see what happens. Don't expect to see him again because you probably won't (even if you have had a great time). Refer back to point 1.
3. Don't always assume that he's 100% single. His ex-girlfriend might turn up on the date. She might beg him to get back together with whilst revealing that they have two children together. He then might leave with her whilst you are still sat there speechless and a tenner down (you bought the drinks and your change wasn't monetary). You'll then tell your Mum what happened who will laugh like a drain and still does two years later when you regale the story to married folk.
4. You become single girl dating fodder like you're a jester brought in to entertain the upper class at a Victorian London society party.
5. You consider hiring a manager to get you more of the above gigs. Could be some serious money there.
6. Seriously consider taking out life insurance to protect your assets (vintage dresses and shoes need only apply) in the case that you might get eaten by cats. You don't even like cats (or any animals, except horses - they are super animals) but being single at 34 leaves you vulnerable to hungry cats.
7. Still hope that you'll meet someone the 'old fashioned way' in a bar, so much so that every single time you go out to a bar your game is on.
8. When you do meet a potential date in the aforementioned way and he asks for out for a drink don't expect it to actually happen. Refer to point 2.
9. Don't accept blind date options from friends. What your friend thinks you like is no way near what you actually like. Some people like sushi, I'm not one of those people.
10. Always look up when walking the streets of London, you're next Pinot Grigio could be bought by that hot man in a suit that just walked past you.
11. Quickly remember that this is London an no one talks any more through vocal words so you immediately get on Happn to see if he's on it too so you can communicate for exactly 5 days via text before agreeing a date to meet.
12. Then go through points 1-12 leaving out 3 (you hope and pray that never happens to you again).
13. Always, always have hope that Mr Right isn't too far away even if you do protest you love being single and it's the greatest thing ever ever ever. Honestly it's great, really great. I learnt my doth protesting from Lady Macbeth.
14. In reality you know that your perfect boyfriend is in fact called Gym and you've been in a fairly good relationship for 3 years, even if you have to pay him £53 per month.
Fingers and toes crossed people.
Here's the closest I'll be to wearing white this year...
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